Shark attack!

ihsyasylime @ 2009-07-28T14:29:00

2009-07-28T18:45:00Z

It's ironic that my biggest problem right now is that I get really upset when I'm not good enough at something, so I whine about it.

If I could just accept that I suck at some things, and not try to assume that other people are judging me for sucking, I'd be a lot happier.

But then I start worrying that if I'm blind to my incompetency, that I'll be blindsided out of nowhere that... well, I don't know what. I want to know my flaws before they get pointed out to me, is what.

I whine because I feel like I should be good at everything, and I have no explanation for why I am simply not good at something.

Take for instance, golf. I had trouble picking it up, and I was slower than Ryan at getting the swing right. It doesn't even matter that I can practice and get better -- the fact is, I wasn't naturally talented at it. Of course, I still want to practice enough to develop a baseline competency at it, but by "practice enough" I mean have a steep enough learning curve that I go out there and play a few rounds of golf or go to the driving range, and I got it. I get REALLY frustrated when my learning curve isn't steep enough.

The only instance where I've run into that has been in mechanical stuff, like fixing cars/motorcycles/electronics. I could have something explained to me how an engine works, and I'll think I'll get it, but I won't be confident enough to dive in there and fix something that's broken.
I did start feeling better about my lack of mechanical skill (although really it's only compared to Ryan and my brother -- I'm more competent than a lot of people I would suppose. At least I know how to change my own oil and simple stuff like that) when my brother told me that he makes a lot of mistakes too. (I cried when I was dumb enough to break my radiator bolt on my motorcycle. I was disappointed that I was so dumb.)

See, always striving to be better is a good thing only to a certain point. Then when I worry so much that I'm not good enough, I whine, and then I get judged for whining so much, not because I wasn't good in the first place. Like, I have this awful awful mindset that being good at something gets canceled out if you have to work really hard to get to that point. Like, it's way better to be half decent at something with little effort, than to be really good with a lot of effort. Pathetic, it doesn't make any sense at all.

Stupid, stupid.

I'm trying really hard not to get defensive and emotional when I feel like Ryan's saying something judgmental. Today I almost failed at it, but Ryan said, "You're getting defensive and emotional," and that helped keep me in check, but I still almost overreacted and cried. Gah!

I can't even imagine how I'll be if I get to law school and it kicks my ass. Hopefully I'll be able to tell myself that it's okay to work hard at something. And I can chill out and tell myself that it's okay to not be the smartest person in the room (although I had a bit of that in college that helped me out) and ... yeah.

I have ridiculous standards for myself, and I shouldn't assume other people hold me to the same standards. Or get really mad when they hold me to a different standard altogether. Or something. I dunno.

3 weeks until law school starts.

ihsyasylime @ 2009-06-12T16:39:00

2009-06-12T20:44:36Z

I have spent the past 4 weeks doing NOTHING except search for a job.

I haven't even read anything, learned anything, done anything fun.

Oh yeah, and my apartment is a shithole of a mess because Ryan's shit is just tossed everywhere.

I haven't made any plans because, what if I have a job?

Oh wait, it's HALFWAY THROUGH JUNE and I don't have a summer job. I miss the boat by one week, and boy I missed it all.

Nobody calls back.
Managers are impossible to get a hold of.
Apparently a college graduate with 3 years of customer service experience is not appealing enough.

I owe Ryan $1,400.
I owe my credit card company $900.
I owe $290 rent by July 1.
I owe my brother $50.

I still haven't saved anything at all to buy the components of my new bicycle.

I don't have anything to sell.
I don't even qualify for medical studies because I'm on birth control.
I can't even manage to click links on the internet for a penny a click.
EVEN THE TEMP AGENCY says they have nothing for me.

I had an interview for the night-shift as a hotel front desk worker on Wednesday. The manager said he'd call me today. I called at 4:15 and apparently he had just left. Call back Monday.......

Everybody in my family says, "Told you that you wouldn't get a summer job in Morgantown."
Ryan says, "Too bad you don't have any useful skills so you can have a badass job like me and get paid $500/week for doing almost nothing."

I haven't even ridden my bike much.
All this time has gone by and now I'm just depressed, lazy, broke, and useless.

I don't even know what my options are anymore.

ihsyasylime @ 2009-06-02T15:57:00

2009-06-02T19:58:06Z

AAAARRRGGGGHHHH WAKE ME UP WHEN AUGUST 19 COMES

I hate summer vacation. Always have.

I totally missed the boat on the job hunt. Nobody is hiring anymore.

ihsyasylime @ 2009-04-25T12:00:00

2009-04-25T16:20:15Z

A lot of websites/blogs I have encountered to help the time go by.

http://www.fmylife.com/ << Fuck My Life. A whole bunch of whiny people complaining about something bad that happened to them that day, or something someone said to them.

http://roflrazzi.com/ << Silly captions put on pictures of celebrities.

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ << Postings of professional cakes gone wrong

http://punditkitchen.com/ << Silly captions put on pictures of politicians

http://www.overheardeverywhere.com/ << Quotes of overheard conversations

http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/ << Kind of dumb, but it's funnier if you just ignore the stupid comments made by the blogger

http://failblog.org/ << Fail Blog. Posts of hilarious fails.

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/ << Passive Aggressive Notes left by ticked off roommates, coworkers, etc.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/ << Best of Craigs List. Always good.

http://pictureisunrelated.com/ << Picture is Unrelated. Mostly random photos of people in costumes in strange contexts. Some of them are pretty funny.

http://thisisphotobomb.com/ << Photobomb. People jumping into other people's photos without them knowing about it.

http://engrishfunny.com/ << Engrish Funny. Very very similar to engrish.com.

http://askaurinal.com/ << Ask a Urinal. Funny bathroom graffiti.

http://www.tofulator.com/ << Tofulator. People caption videos in other languages in English. Some of them, especially the Bollywood videos or the music videos are funny. Others are extremely dumb.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ << Texts from Last Night. Funny out-of-context texts people receive from drunk people.

Anyone got any more?

ihsyasylime @ 2009-03-30T13:37:00

2009-03-30T17:38:00Z

I honestly don't know how I've already survived over 2.5 years of long distance.

These last couple months are killer.

ihsyasylime @ 2009-02-25T18:19:00

2009-02-25T23:19:46Z

I was about to post something really bitchy about how I'm disappointed by my college experience, but then...well, I felt dumb because college experience is what you make of it. I told myself that before I even went to college in the first place.

Ah well.

At least I'm happy, and excited for next year.

I guess, then, I'm disappointed that I spent so much time whining about myself and trying to find "myself" that by the time I was/am ready to explore more interesting subjects, it's almost time to graduate.
The only two things I can think of that I wish I had done, and won't get an easy opportunity again, is one, majored or minored in math; and two, taken Chinese. Sure, I can take Chinese at a community college or as a summer course or buy Rosetta Stone, but that's all expensive options. And math -- that's a difficult topic to pursue through a textbook by myself.

But I can still read books and watch the History Channel and use Google to find out answers to any other questions and curiosities I have... I just gotta make time for all the information I want to consume.

ihsyasylime @ 2009-02-11T20:26:00

2009-02-12T01:27:26Z

I started keeping a personal journal again. Except instead of sitting down and writing down useless crap just to get pages, I keep it on me throughout the day and write random thoughts and reminders to self, or jokes I hear, or good quotes I overhear.

ihsyasylime @ 2009-02-05T08:59:00

2009-02-05T14:04:23Z

I really wish I had more interesting things to say in here but all I've been doing is watching TV, going to class, fretting about my knee, and wondering why I can't simply lose 5 more lbs in time for road season despite drastically cutting down the amount of calories I consume (pretty much cut in half, at least) for over three weeks now (I don't think I've enjoyed a single simple eating pleasure in these 3 weeks, either).

So, I'm frustrated and bored. Now that I've pretty much made up my mind to go to WVU, and realizing that it's so close, yet so far away... I'm liking it less and less here in southern Maryland. I feel no attachment to anybody in the senior class, am participating in none of the senior class events (not even being invited to any of the senior class events anyway... or I'm just not reading the emails. That could be it too).

I think I get this way whenever a weekend comes up where I have absolutely no plans.

Exciting life, I know.

ihsyasylime @ 2009-01-01T00:28:00

2009-01-01T05:40:02Z

Oh wow, I just realized by looking at the date that it's New Year's. Didn't really feel like it.

I'm spending two weeks of my winter break in Dayton, Ohio with my brother, his wife, and their two month old son. We've just been sitting around, bike riding, running, and using the Wii Fit for the past 4 days. Wendy's parents came in tonight and we had a glass of champagne. I drank it pretty fast and ended up beet red and tipsy and feeling really hot... as usual. Right now I'm positively exhausted but I'm still here, browsing through old LJ entries. Really it's because I've forgotten what I've done for New Year's the past two years. I want to say I spent last year with Ryan but I honestly don't remember. I know that three years ago, Gef and I were in Belgium and we went to bed at 8pm and slept all night... well, I slept off and on, our hostel roommate snored really bad.

I'm having a pretty blase break. I'm having a good time with Gef, and attempting to develop my maternal instinct with my nephew, Ike. He's a cool kid... for a two-month old. He's pretty cute, and I don't say that just because I'm related to him. I've seen ugly kids, but this guy... not too bad.

Going back to reading my old LJ entries... I stopped writing in my regular journal awhile ago, about the time I started going to St. Mary's. I somewhat regret it, because it's fun to glance back and look at what I was thinking, regardless of how ridiculously emotional any of it is. Lately I've gotten really in control of my emotions (still working a little bit on some anger and tantrums, but even they have been more sporadic and calmer, and lasting shorter periods of time), and not getting depressed, or whiny, or mad at stupid things. I haven't felt the desire to yell or be mad at Ryan in over four months... that's pretty good, I think. Even now... I haven't seen him in almost 6 weeks, and probably won't even get to see him for at least another month or two... and haven't talked much with him at all in the past month or so... but I think things are good. Maybe things are better on my side since I decided to live with him this summer, and also since I'm extremely likely to go to WVU since that full scholarship came through (although still waiting to hear back from the other schools). So it's like... there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

Anyway. I don't post when I'm in a good mood and happy... but I am in a decently good mood and happy enough right now; I'm posting only because I was reading through my journals, and of course I have to create a reflective entry.

This LJ has become something more for myself than for anyone else... I guess I'm surprised when I realize that some people do read this. I do feel like I haven't had a good, solid conversation with anyone in awhile. I recently got in touch with my best friend from fifth grade (the good graces of Facebook) and have been meaning to write her a letter, but haven't gotten to it yet because I'm lazy. Nor have I read anything yet this break. And I meant to learn Chinese, I also haven't gotten to that yet. Goodness gracious, Emily Kem! What have you been doing!

Reflecting on old memories...
Maybe one day I'll write a long entry on old memories. Just for the fun of it.

But right now I'm waaaay too tired.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-12-24T10:16:00

2008-12-24T15:24:08Z

Hummm...
I got two A's and two A-'s this semester, giving me a 3.85 GPA for the semester, and raising my SMCM cumulative to 3.623. (How interesting! That's my exact cumulative GPA that includes SU and HCC classes that I've been applying to law schools with.)

Unfortunately, even if I get a 4.0 next semester, I still would only have a 3.66 GPA, and that still only lets me graduate cum laude.

Dang.

Well, my goal when I started college was to graduate with at least a 3.5 anyway. So at least I have that.
In order to not graduate with a 3.5, I'd have to have a 2.77 average for next semester, and I already know that's pretty unlikely (two of the classes are almost guaranteed A's because I know the professors' grading policies are pretty lax).

ihsyasylime @ 2008-12-11T09:11:00

2008-12-11T14:11:53Z

I can't get over this.

Sent as the last line of an all-student email to give us tips for studying during finals week:

"Remember your not at an Honors College for nothing!"

ihsyasylime @ 2008-12-08T09:17:00

2008-12-08T14:47:09Z

I've been asking around to as many people as I can about the disadvantages to going to a Tier 3 (lower ranked) law school (i.e. West Virginia).

My roommate's mom works at a law firm, so she managed to get an answer for me from a top lawyer in an M-Street (DC) law firm. "Most law firms would rather hire from the bottom half of Harvard than the top quarter of West Virginia. It's not fair, but that's the way it is."

Discussion boards generally follow the same attitude. One guy in my class is even taking a WHOLE YEAR OFF after he graduates college so he can work on improving his LSAT score (which is already way higher than mine) so he can get into the absolute top law school he possibly can get into. One message board that I lurk even advises some people, "It's better not to go to law school than to go to a low-ranked law school." I asked why that was the case, and the response was, "You'll be in a lot of debt and have trouble getting a job." Then why do these law schools have 90-95% job placement ratings within 6 mo. of graduation, and why do these law schools even bother to exist? And did you know that half is always below the median? That attitude just logically does not make sense...

This makes me angry. I can understand the importance of a brand name education... I wrangled with this issue when trying to decide on undergraduate school. But why is it EVERYTHING? Why is it entirely school, and not personal attributes? Does everyone *really* rely that much on the fact that people have the inability to think and accomplish for themselves, and that by going to someplace like Harvard or Yale, they're like... being manufactured and then when they go out, hiring law firms are looking for specs of a product, like they're customers?

It makes me so angry, it makes me want to go to West Virginia all the more, kind of like taking up a challenge, that I can manage to do well going to a lower-ranked school, because I have trouble believing that it's nothing but rankings.

Sure, I can get a great $100k job upon graduating by going to a school like Stanford. But first, why is location not an important consideration? Second, I'll have hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt because I won't get any financial aid because I'm probably only getting in because of my minority status. Third, the chances are higher that I'll surrounded by people who aren't at all like me, and are probably cutthroat competitive, unfriendly, and care about nothing but personal advancement and "changing the world", but doing things only for resume fodder, and trying to graduate and get a job for as much money as possible without even consideration for personal happiness, where "success" is defined as "being rich."

I just don't understand.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-12-05T18:29:00

2008-12-05T23:29:57Z

FULL TUITION SCHOLARSHIP TO WVU LAW!

ihsyasylime @ 2008-12-01T13:26:00

2008-12-01T18:27:23Z

My brother gets really paranoid about having his son's pictures on the internet (thinks the government is spying on him) but shhhh.
Don't tell him

p.s. Got into Ohio State, UKentucky, and WVU so far.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-10-28T21:05:00

2008-10-29T01:09:18Z

West Virginia University
Indiana University Bloomington
William & Mary
University of Kentucky
Ohio State University
Washington & Lee University
University of Virginia

The list will continue to grow because I keep getting emails telling me that another school has waived my application fee, so I figure why not.

University of Virginia is ranked 9th in the nation, and has a median LSAT score of 170, but because they sent me an email telling me that they like my statistics and waived the $75 fee (probably just so they can get a higher number of applicants so that their acceptance rate falls and they maintain their status as a highly ranked law school), so I figured why not. It's in an area that I like, they have an awesome cycling team....

And I think it does happen to be an accident that there's only one private school on the list. Funny how I lean toward the public schools.
Except not University of Maryland. No way Jose, I'm not even applying there.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-10-27T07:07:00

2008-10-27T11:14:40Z

I am the slowest fast girl in the nation.

I am now an aunt.

This past weekend I had a spectacular time, yet also an incredibly miserable time.

I achieved my goal on the LSAT and am now applied to law schools.

This past weekend was the first time in a really really long time I was genuinely upset without it involving being mad at Ryan. ...Parties. I must be socially retarded. Nationals is supposed to be a huge party... at least Saturday night anyway. I genuinely tried to have fun, I did. I laughed at the Naked Crit, I ran when the cops showed up, I went with WVU to a party. And it was a dark, hot, smelly room crowded with drunk mountain bikers. Mountain bikers are some of the funniest, coolest people I have ever met, so maybe I thought the party would be cooler. But it wasn't. I got really claustrophobic and overheated standing in that room, getting pushed around by strangers, and not being able to hear anything through the shitty bassed-out music. Soon enough, the party was broken up by an angry neighbor who called the cops, so some guys left screaming, "PARTY AT ETSU's HOUSE!" And I groaned, because thus began driving around the mountain, "Where's the party at? Where's the party at?" I told them to drop me off at our cabin so I could just go to bed and cry about being socially retarded and not understanding how this could possibly be considered fun.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-10-15T17:33:00

2008-10-15T21:39:38Z

Wow, apparently it's far enough into the semester to start thinking about Spring 2009... oh yes, that would be my last semester as an undergraduate.

To graduate, I need 10 more "upper division credits." That's basically 3 classes.
I am pretty sure I am finished the Public Policy major, but to finish the Econ major, I need two more classes.

I must take ECON 373: East Asian Economics, offered T/Th 10am-11:50.
I must take either ECON 425: Econometrics OR ECON 459: Senior Seminar, Topic Contemporary Chinese Economy, offered T/Th 12pm-1:50 and T/Th 2pm-3:50 respectively.

I'm thinking about just taking all three of those. (I have a crapload of credits, so I am going to assume I can register early enough to get into these classes. Besides, professors are really good about adding in people.)

Twelve credits is required for full time, but I am thinking three classes will not be enough. I'm taking 4 right now and I'm bored.

So here are my options:
1) Take a really hard math class? (Audit it, probably, because it'll drag down my GPA.) Calc III or Foundations of Mathematics?
2) Take a bunch of PE classes, such as "Intro to Athletic Training" or "First Aid/CPR" or "Self Defense" or "Strength Training" or (and I'm not sure what this is) "Recess: Greatest Hits." (I'm not kidding. That's the title.)
3) Take a random class, such as Forensic Anthropology or Underwater Archaelogy or Psych 101.
4) Take a Political Science class called Law, Courts, & Judges (although 3 years of law school seems like it will give me enough of that)

What is your vote?
What would you do?
I can probably arrange it to have ONLY Tuesday/Thursday classes. What would I do on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays? BIKE RIDE ALL DAY LONG! haha...

ihsyasylime @ 2008-10-13T19:52:00

2008-10-13T23:55:27Z

...That was really weird...

Last night at about 2am, I wake up to what sounds like someone pounding on my front door downstairs. I'm a little out of it as I was just woken up in the middle of the dream, but suddenly I'm really paranoid, and super scared. I wander around the house for awhile looking for *something*... at the time it made sense.

When I woke up this morning I realize that my fear and whatever it was I was looking for makes absolutely no sense... I even wonder if I made up the pounding on the door too.

My dreams are too vivid.

I don't have much to do this fall break, so of course the little bit I do have to do, I'm not getting done.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-10-10T09:57:00

2008-10-10T14:02:10Z

So I have this book of stickers, of the alphabet, actually. "Victorian Floral Initials Stickers."

It's got a cover, with an editor. I just read the information on the inside. Apparently, there are rules: "You may use the designs and illustrations for graphics and crafts applications without special permission" oh good, I'm glad I don't have to buy this book of stickers and THEN write to you to ask if I'm allowed to use them! "...provided that you include no more than four in the same publication or project." Whoops... I put "EK Moy" on my lunchbox with these stickers...

I also wonder why its subtitle is "24 Full-Color Pressure-Sensitive Designs." I never noticed any letter was missing. Apparently they are the letters "I" and "X."

Guess I couldn't spell my name or ...Max's name if I wanted to.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-10-06T10:56:00

2008-10-06T15:04:34Z

Ahhhhh stupid stress.

Let me tell you, it is a real test of stress-handling when the interstate in between me and my LSAT center is SHUT DOWN.

I literally made it there with a minute to spare. If I had been a minute later, I probably would have been locked out.

I left to give me over an hour to get there, when it ordinarily would've taken only 35 minutes. I get on the highway to find out that all lanes were shut down and they were detouring everyone off the next exit. Extreme backup...
Once I get back on to the interstate, I was flying, because I had 25 minutes to travel 27 miles. I knew I would cry if a cop pulled me over.

The road leading up to Univ of Delaware (where I was taking it) had closed down lanes for construction, so not only did I hit more traffic, I conveniently hit every traffic light going there.

Then when I get there, they're not letting anyone park anywhere near campus, so I had to park over 3 blocks away.

I was completely out of breath when I made it there, and the proctor was literally getting ready to shut the door and start.

Phew.

Anyway, now that my LSAT is over, I pushed all other work aside until afterwards, and now I find myself with a pretty long to-do list... darn it!

Fall break would've been nice today, rather than next week...
Even though yesterday I sat around and did nothing, I really would enjoy another day like that. Really really.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-09-30T19:54:00

2008-09-30T23:56:12Z

Why has everyone stopped posting to their LJ?

Literally, one girl (whom I don't even know) is taking up my entire friends page.
Not that her updating often is a bad thing, but going through my friends list, half of them are apparently canceled.

It does seem like almost no one keeps one anymore.

Maybe I'll join the fad and disappear for forever, and people can keep in touch with me through the mere use of facebook status messages.

Sad.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-09-22T22:05:00

2008-09-23T02:17:11Z

So, I guess I haven't been taking my LSAT prep too seriously.

I abandoned it all summer, figuring I'd buckle down when school started.
I forgot about three details:
*Homework is assigned everyday
*Bike riding takes up a lot of time
*Job in the bike shop

Shoot, it's a lot of reading, like hundreds of pages a week, and I actually have to digest it because they'll be on the exams, which are all about the same time as the LSAT and, oh yeah, my exams are a heavy part of my final grade.

Since the racing season is only 6 weeks long, that means I need to be training NOW, at least 2-3 hours a day. I want to improve, and do well since I am an A rider this season.

I've already cut back on the bike shop job... It was 10 hours a week, but I pulled it back to 6 hours a week until the LSAT is over to give me those extra few hours.

I think my priorities are out of order because I've been putting biking and sleeping and eating before all else. I've been getting my 9 hours of sleep a night, and getting my hard rides in. Homework has been half-assed, and I was actually really angry when one assignment took me a lot longer than I expected it to take. I've only been doing about 2 hours a WEEK of LSAT prep. (Apparently I'm supposed to be dedicating 2-3 hours a DAY to it.)

My brother is telling me that I should pursue my dream of being a pro mountain biker, and put off law school for a few years.
That wouldn't be entirely a bad idea since one, I don't think I'm going to score nearly as well on the LSAT as I hope for, and two, with the nation in economic crisis, as my political economy professor keeps scaring me by saying, student loan interest rates are going to spike for the next few years. Won't that be fun to pay that off for the rest of my life simply because I wasn't willing to wait a few years before law school?
Not saying that pro mountain biking is actually a realistic achievable goal within the next few years. It's fun to think about though.

Decisions to be made, decisions to be made.
If I don't go to law school next year, what would I do instead?
My brother says work in a bike shop and ride a lot to pursue pro mountain biking.
My mom would just LOVE that idea.
I'll top that off and marry Ryan, that'll really make her happy. *insert eye roll*

I don't know, man.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-09-08T09:58:00

2008-09-08T13:59:48Z

Well. I was going to post a video tour of my townhouse, but apparently, I have lost the cord to plug my camera into my computer.

I have lost quite a few things this week with very little explanation.

I lost my keys last weekend. I didn't find them until last night, when I found them buried among my folded towels in my closet. (???)

I lost my sunglasses earlier this week. I found them in my laundry bag. (????)

I am currently missing my retainer, and now my digital camera cord.

Maybe I'll find those in mysterious places as well.

ihsyasylime @ 2008-08-28T23:07:00

2008-08-29T03:08:28Z

This Personal Statement for law school has got to be THE most difficult thing I have ever attempted to write. I have never spent as many hours trying to write something as I have already on this, and not have anything to show for it.

Not that I actually have completed a draft or anything, but I am looking to have as many people edit this as possible.

Leave a comment and a way for me to contact you if you would be interested in reading my Personal Statement, whenever I finish a draft, and letting me know what you think.

I'm hoping in the next day or two.

Thanks.

[EDIT]
12:42AM

I have a draft.

I'm going to go to sleep now, wake up, edit it, probably think it's crap, scrap it and start over again (this was my fifth attempt to write one).
Hopefully I won't think it's so bad, but who knows.

Still, let me know!
Maybe YOU can be the one to let me know it's crap and I'll never amount to anything in this world. :-)

ihsyasylime @ 2008-08-26T21:39:00

2008-08-27T01:57:42Z

AAAAH THIS SUMMER IS NEVER EVER GOING TO END